I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just gargled with NyQuil
not ubering you a puppy
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
