Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
