I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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