all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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