I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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