guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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