Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
