I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
