I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
