Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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