I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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