I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
