my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
