This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
