his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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