I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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