god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
