Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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