I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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