I feel like abortions should bother me more
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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