If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
