I am puke
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
