Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
