I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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