Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
