seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
