Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
