I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
