Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
