thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
