He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
