Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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