The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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