he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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