I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
