Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
