Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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