Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
