Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
