dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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