I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
