What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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