I look better un-naked...
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
