I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
