Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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