I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
