This is not my ceiling
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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