So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
BRING THE BAGELS
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
