I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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