I just saw a hot homeless man
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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