Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You work out of a Hotel?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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